Today, May 30th, 2020 at around 09:00 pm, I felt chest pain. This was not he first time I had the same pain on my chest. But this time it was even harder. I started googling what kind of diseases associated with this symptoms. The first search result was Angina or a heart attack’s. The symptoms is chest pain that may feel like tightness, heavy pressure, squeezing, or crushing pain. Directly, I rushed to call my father since I remembered that he also had the same heart problem that led to partial stroke last time. Hopefully he was okay. He told me that I could inherent gene of someone with heart problem, since my grandma, my mom, and finally my dad also had the same diseases. Therefore, he told me to take care of myself and consult to the doctor as soon as possible.
I understood that everyone can die at anytime because of any sort of reason. However, heart attack is the number one killer. The heart can stop at anytime especially when you are not aware of, just like while you are sleeping, resting, exercising, driving, playing, sexing, reading, etc.
In spite of my health condition, I am ready to give up on my life at anytime. Unfortunately, I have not been able to answer my number one question, “What am I looking for in this world?”
I know what you are thinking about. Why this question is very important? Isn’t there many more things to worry about in life? Bringing food on the table? Incoming economic recession and great depression? Building family? Raising kids? Making money? Taking care of elderly? Volunteering at Food banks? Building shelter homes for homeless people? Saving lives of strangers in hospitals? There are endless things in life to worry about. Thus, this very question may or may not be important for you. It does seem cliché but this question is very important for me personally. I don’t know about you but this is just like when someone is about to kill you. You want to know from the killer before you die what is the motives or the reason why he/she wants to kill you. It is the same in this condition. We all have given this precious life once. We need to know why and for what we are living this life. Otherwise, there is no difference between being alive and dead. Without this, there is no point of living. Living just because we have to is not the way to go at least for me personally. It is the same as wasting our life. There are many lives out there who are struggling to make ends meet. There are many lives fighting for their livelihood. There are many souls who are surviving from COVID-19 battle.
For me, after the death of my mom, I am ready to give up on this life at anytime. There is no meaning of my life anymore.
Despite my desperation, I don’t know for sure, but I am still searching for this very important question for years now. There is no clear cut answer of this question. Even the cleverest person on earth may not have the answer for you and your situation. He/she may have totally different answer. Honestly no body can answer this question for you. Everyone has his/her own answer. So, in summary, an individual must find the answer by him/her self, through life experience, sorrow, grief, life threatening condition, and heartache.
How about you?
Have you found the answer to this question?
Thank you for reading my article. Unlike me, hopefully you already found the answer of this very question and lived a very meaningful life.